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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Let's Talk Real Housewives

Hello dear friends... Hope all is well with you.  This post is for all you Housewives fans out there.  Carol S. commented that I hadn't done a Real Housewives post recently.  So this one is for you, Carol!  This was written over the weekend before Part 3 was shown last night.  This will also serve as an open letter to my virtual boyfriend, Andy.

Let's start with the biggest elephant in the room.  You know what I'm talkin' about.  The Giudice showdown.

First of all, Andy, you blew it.  You know I love you, but how can you not have a drinking alert on the most earth-shattering show of the century?   

Drinking alert:  

Ye know?

I think she said it 1128 times.  
Before the first commercial.

Drinking alert:  

Me & her

What a guy!

If those drinking alerts had been in effect, your audience would be doing the turtle time dance by the first commercial. 

Sista called me after watching the interview and said that she is pretty sure that Teresa is the brains of the operation.  It's debatable. 
Tre tried to convince Andy that her lawyers never explained what is involved in a plea deal.  She also did her darnedest to persuade Andy that deep down under her very large cleavage that she is really a very calm person. 

Andy may forgive... but he never forgets. 

We are only 2 parts into the veeeeerrrry long reunion.  It's a series in itself.  I have enough notes to write a dissertation.  Wish I put this much energy into my college career. 

Let's start with Tereeeeeesa.  Not to be confused with Ter-eh-sa.  The Golden Goddess does not hide her bitterness well, to say the least.  With the exception of Dina, she pretty much hates everybody.  I even caught her giving Andy a sneer a few times.

Poor Kathy.  All she wants in life is to be accepted by her witch-of- a-cuz, and Tre won't even acknowledge her.  It must sting a little that Kathy is releasing a cook book and building a brand new home.  Then again, Tre is off to a new home in January, as well.  She won't have to cook or clean and she won't be bullied by those pesty bill collectors any more!

The good old days when the world revolved around Tre.

I don't know what upsets Melissa more... her bazillion dollar house construction being behind schedule, her screeching singing career going kaput, or her bully of a sis-in-law being sent to the big house.  Poor Melissa... lucky she's got that handsome hunk of a gnome hubby to keep her warm at night.

Hey Andy...what do you say that we get rid of Dumb and Dumber and we bring back Kathy and my girl, Rosie.  No demands.  Just asking politely.

"Let's give our cuz her dictionary.  That way, when she looks up the word "witch" she can see her ugly mug shot."

First of all, what's with the hairdo?  Just because Teresa dressed for the show as an Oscar award does not mean that you have to dress like you just stepped out of Captain Kirk's spaceship.  

I used to like Dina.  Until this season.  For being so into zen, she sure likes to stir the cauldron pot.  Then she sits back in her meditative trance, rolls her eyes, and watches the fireworks.  She added nothing to this season except her sneers and eye rolls.

I am curious though, about what really happened between Dina, crusty old Caroline and Jacqueline.  Dina sure harbors resentment towards Jacqueline.

Which brings me to another subject, Andy... Talk about the absolute worst show on Bravo.   Manzo'd with Children takes the cake.  It should be called Faking it with the Nutzos.  The show is scripted and positively ridiculous.  Who wants to watch two grown men living at home with their whining sister and overbearing mother?  Is this Bravo's idea of the American dream?

Sorry Andy, back on topic.  It's not easy being a supermodel trophy wife.

Last but certainly not least.  These two.

The Marcheses

or as I call them

The Mar-crazies

Oh Lawd... this is why I watch these stupid reality shows.  It makes me feel like I am actually kind of normal.  Not completely, just kind of.  

Am-baah cannot participate in a conversation without steering it back to herself and her bout with "the can-sah."  Jim is a walking, talking billboard  for the Napoleon complex who lives in a dream world.  He claims to be working for the same Attorney General that sent "me and her" to the slammer.  First of all, the Attorney General has never heard of Mr. Mar-crazy.  Secondly, the golden couple of Reality TV were prosecuted by the  United States Attorney's Office not the Attorney General.  You're probably wondering how I got so smart.  Let's just say that I have the TMZ app on my phone.
I can pretty much bet Tre's cookbook on the fact that these two crazies will not be back next season.  But who knows, crazier things have happened in the world of Bravo.

That's it for now.  I check my email every day, Andy, for a personal invitation to the clubhouse.

I leave you with the wise words of Teresa Giudice. 

Does anyone know where I can find that gorgeous bird-of-a-feather top?   Tre's not returning my calls.

Stay Classy.

Preppy Empty Nester
Preppy Empty Nester

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Feel free to contact me through comments and email. I love to hear from my readers!


  1. oh wow...don't EVEN get me started on this show. i have watched it for several years but this season takes the cake....let me begin: the "twins"....a trainwreck if I ever saw one (or two). good lord, they are some trashy white girls if i ever saw any. then jim and "am-buh"....just no. not sure what's up with melissa this year and of course we all know the tre and juicy joe situation. i "lucked up" on this web site that keeps me in stitches for hours...if you find yourself needing a little Bravo housewife pick me up and to confirm everything you've already said (and most everyone thinks) check it out:

    well, darn, it won't let me link but you can go to the previously tv forums page and spend hours (not that i'd know, of course)!

    it will be interesting to see what happens next season and if tre ever comes back. i am totally 100% in agreement they should bring back kathy and rosie...i love me some rosie!

  2. HAHAHAHA! I never watch this ridiculous show I think because I am form NJ and these lovely women truly dont do many parts of NJ justice. It's actually one of the first thing women ask me when they know I am form NJ, "do you know the housewives"? I guess maybe I should actually check myself because if they think I know them then do I seem like one, ugh!!I am glad I can just some here to really be entertained by these "housewives"! Thanks my friend you gave me a good morning laugh once again,xo K

  3. OMG this has me wonder we are friends and I like you so much, we think exactly alike on this subject matter or is it mad-ah? Too funny.....Teresa is a nutjob and to imply her attorneys did not inform is an insult to the American public then you have juicy Joe, yuck, so slimy. All of thems (lol had to insert a little of their lingo in here)!!

    And Dina, are you kidding me, she doesn't have me fooled, she is a phony who is trying to act like the sophisticate of the bunch, that is not saying much but agree her hair, and dress...BIZARRE. It is a show that is not to be believed, like is this really truly what its like with them? So scary if so.

    Teresa and her mini pitbull husband did the crime, they need to do the time. The only real tragedy here aside from the hair, makeup and clothes is the four girls whose lives will forever be changed, that is really sad.

    Enjoyed your recap....keep em coming!
    PS SO agree about the Manzos, I give it one season tops!

  4. I am crying laughing right now. I have had a love/hate relationship with the housewives for a while now, but it is just a train wreck and I can't help but watch. I totally agree that Teresa was the mastermind, she is really great at playing/being dumb, but I don't believe for one second that she had no part in this other than "not reading the papers before signing." No way!!

    Also, on Manzo'd, I had no idea how much I didn't like Lauren until now. She is unbelievably annoying, I seriously can't take it. I do have a sweet spot for Chris and his crazy talk though.

    I loved this post so much, hilarious!!

  5. Loved the recap!
    Andy has two guest chairs, so please take me with you if you get the call!
    I hope that this season of the RHONJ was simultaneously the debut *and* curtain call for Jim, Amber and the twins.... they annoyed me more than entertained me. The cast changes were misguided at best. Bravo, get it together.
    The one good thing about Manzo'd is that Caroline doesn't walk around her house in full hair & make-up and an inappropriately skimpy outfit - she's more real - although maybe too real in her pjs shaving her face before bed.

    1. Paige, if I am invited to the club house, You are definitely my plus 1!

  6. New jersey took a jump off the cliff for me - I just can't watch Teresa and her denial and justifications. I'm down to OC, NY and Beverly Hills. Atlanta so far, I am undecided about, but may watch eventually. I used to be as big of a housewife fan as there was, but now prefer to read the funny and snarky (like yours) recaps rather than watch the train wrecks they have all become.

  7. Well ask and ye shall receive, thank you very much! Just started watching this season and it is like watching a train wreck. The Teresa/Joe/girls story is unreal, they seem they are acting normal at times when you know the sh*t is hitting the fan. Dina still living with her husband she's separated a year from, interesting. The other characters you want to write off, agree. Love Andy, stumbled across his first book (on tape) and he is a gem. Want to read his next book. True Tori anyone, lol? Fun post!

    1. LOVED Andy's first book and I look forward to listening to his second on on my walks! Thanks for the inspiration for this post. Have a great weekend!

  8. And a question...why does one daughter not look like the other three? Absolutely none of my business of course.

  9. Guess I'm more naive than I thought - actually was feeing sorry for Tareeesa. Even Joe G seems humble. And that's where it ends. The horrific story line about the twins (more on them in a moment) mother was unbelievable! Seriously, even for ratings or money, they would agree to that garbage - true OR false? Disgusting on so many levels. And now to the twins themselves - Dumb and Dumber aka Nikhole and TaRAAAAYza. They give new definition to 'Jersey Girl'. But the crem der ler crem would be Amba and Jim - perhaps the lowest form of humanity unearthed under the rock. Amba is all about the cansa and God only knows where that cretin Jim goes. He is beyond words. Good luck Amba.
    I think this franchise is singing its swan song.

    1. Amba and Jim sure take the cake. Counting the minutes until RHOBH with Lisa "Lips" Renna! Have a great weekend, Denise!

  10. Hysterical...please do not think I am above watching RHONJ it's really that I have no time, but give me a snow day and I can catch up with the best of them. Thanks for the update...because "me and my friends" can now enjoy "conversating" about the season.

  11. Love, Love, Love this post! I quit watching RHONJ last year, couldn't take any more of Tre and Juicy Joe. I liked the old days with Danielle and Kim G. and the yearly fight at the Posh fashion show!! I still watch the OC and WWHL is a must watch! I was really disappointed the the Manzo's. Do you watch Flippin Out? That's my all time favorite!!

    1. Jeff is another virtual bf of mine and I dream of having Zoila live with me!!

  12. Katie,
    That was sooooo funny! What a mess but like you, I can't help but watch. This season was a let down, the new crew, such a disappointment! Just between you and me, I'm looking forward to the Atlanta crazies! Have you seen the Housewives of Melbourne? It was on Sundays at 11am. I watched it on demand. Now those "classy" women could stick it to each other while at the same time calling each other darling. Quite different from all the others, I have to say I like the Aussies and hope they come back, they could replace New Jersey and I'd be happy!

  13. OMG..I couldn't stop laughing! Then had to attend pressing domestic duties; came back reread & laughed again for the next half hour. This repeated all day which is why I am posting so late. Your analysis of the situation is spot on! I don't know what is up with Melissa this season, the twins are a mess, Amber & Jim.... enough said (but I can appreciate him not wanting to be in the same room as juicy Joe). Dina is such a negative bitch that even without knowing the story I am on team Caroline. All Dina cares about is being on TV. I miss Kathy & Rosie! As far as Tre & Joe go ...karma is a bitch that bites back! Love these posts girlfriend! xoxo, Dawn

  14. I gave up on RHNJ this year. Now I wish I had watched it. Honestly, they were all getting on my nerves, but I just couldn't stand listening to Melissa talk/sing in that nasally voice, or listen to Joe talk about his "poison" anymore. It seems like all the housewife shows have become advertisements for whatever product/book/business they are hawking. (Andy, take note! If I want to be see celebrities promoting their products I will record the shopping channels.) It was a little enticing to watch it again when I found out Caroline wasn't returning. She and her children especially make my teeth hurt. I did stick it out with RHOC, RHNY, and am awaiting the return of RHBH even though I think the RHBH felt less scripted when Camille, Adrienne and Taylor were on the show. I enjoy your Bravo posts! ;)

  15. Oh girlfriend, I couldn't agree with you more. Tre is delusional, blaming everyone but herself for the pickle she finds herself in. And I almost spit out my wine when she said that she had never, ever said a mean thing about anyone. I can't believe that Melissa kept her cool after that comment. Dina is the most passive-aggressive zen person on the face of the Earth. I'm pretty sure that her answers to the "have you met your nephew Nicholas?" question drove more people to Team Jacqueline than Team Dina. What IS the deal with that family?!?!
    The twins - ug... Amber - could take or leave her.
    Kathy and Rosie are my absolute favorites but they clearly don't bring enough drama to earn top billing.
    Can not wait for Lisa Renna! I also have the TMZ app on my phone right next to the LA Times, CNN and NBC apps. I like to keep all my news sources together and readily accessible.
    One final thing, my dear friend, pretty please can I be the bartender when you are on the Clubhouse? I promise to bring lots of great wine and secret recipe cocktail just for the occasion. Deal?


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